Do you ever just stop and think about things and have all these thoughts? Most of my deep thoughts come when I’m out for a run or when I’m on a long walk with a friend. I feel like my mind just turns in circles and all these things surface but I have no idea what to do with them. So I made mental notes and now I’m here and just gonna type what comes to mind. Please excuse the randomness or the tangents or the lack of cohesiveness. Who knows, maybe you’ve had some of the same thoughts as well.
Stream of consciousness.
Sometimes I look back and wish I had never lost 57 pounds to begin with. Getting to a goal weight of under 200 pounds can really mess with someone if they gain their weight back. Before I lost weight I imagined what I would look like at a certain number or a certain size. I dreamed about it and fantasized it. Then I actually tasted it when the scale hit 195. I felt that victory and I lived that victory. But after gaining some weight back and working hard to get back to that desirable number it is hard because it is no longer a dream, it is a reality. I know what that number feels like and I know the work that went into it. Long hours in the gym and restricted eating got me to that number and I lost 37 out of the 57 pounds in just 2 short months. Sometimes it was easy to put my goal aside and say I would never get there because the dream was slightly unimaginable but once I was there I felt invincible. Now that I have a healthier state of mind and no longer aim to restrict just to see a low number, it still kind of sucks because I know where I once was. I had it, and I let it go.
Back when I was on the rowing team, I had a healthy diet and obviously a rigorous exercise plan. My eating was on point but I was also eating a lot more to make up for the killer calories I torched while practicing and running. For once my eating and exercise combo actually fit each other. I was almost as small (if not smaller) than I was back on Biggest Winner. I wasn’t scared of wearing a tank top since my arms were defined with muscle. I didn’t cringe in photographs of myself. I didn’t focus on a number. I ran 8 miles without stopping for the first time ever. I set my half marathon PR. I wasn’t obsessive about every ounce of fat that consumed my body. I was healthy. I was probably the happiest I’ve ever been in terms of eating and working out and having a positive body image. After rowing ended I stepped on the scale thinking I would easily be under 200. Nope, I was at a solid 215. That number should have devastated me. All that hard work and still 215??!! How could I have done so much running and working out and been JUST AS SMALL as I was at 195 and be 20 pounds heavier. It didn’t make sense.
But you know what? That number didn’t devastate me. It didn’t bring me down. It made me appreciate myself and have a new outlook on numbers and how I looked in the mirror. If I could essentially look the same as my lowest weight and be 20 pounds heavier than why am I worrying about a goofy number. No one walks around with their weight tattooed on their forehead. People could comment and say “Wow Kelsey you have really slimmed down, how much weight have you lost?” and I could tell them that I gained weight and they might be color shocked. Because people look at you and see how you look. You look in the mirror and see how you look. When you fantasize about your dream bod, it is all about how you look. The number doesn’t make up for that. Numbers come in all shapes and sizes. If I could be twenty pounds heavier than my lowest weight but still look the exact same yet have a healthier mindset and healthier habits then WHY am I stressing?!!
One time my friend Jess asked me “If you could have your dream body and the scale had you at 225, would you be happy?” Uh, yes I would. If I could have a healthy, lean, and fit body then I would throw my scale out the window and it would never be heard from again. I guess what I’m trying to say is I need to start focusing on results and non-scale victories as opposed to chasing a number. Scaleless Summer really helped me get a jump-start on that.
I really need to work on that. Yes, I would love love love to be under 200 pounds. Actually I would prefer to be a solid 190 so that if I were to go on vacation or go and have a lovely “cheat day” or just gain some period pounds then the scale would still never see a weight with a 2 in front of it again. That may be what I want. But is that technically my goal? No way. Sure I’ll celebrate one day if I ever reach Onderland again but I think back to how incredibly happy I was last year when I was at a good size and had a good state of mind and how the weight didn’t even matter. My legs carried me 13 miles in record time and I set all sorts of PRs and personal milestones. That is what important. That is what fitness is all about.
Getting back to that state of mind is going to take some work especially since I’m not on a team anymore with structured and coached workouts. But I’m capable. My body has achieved great things more than once before and is perfectly capable of achieving the same great things again. I may not hit my dream weight, but I can still be a hottie with a body and appreciate the health that God has given me and that I have worked for.
Hey if you are still reading then you are a trooper. This post has been all over the place but this is where my mind is. Stream of consciousness all the way. Expect to see some non-scale victories in a few posts later on because that’s how I can focus on the good instead of obsessing over an imaginary number.